How do you describe your free time? Do you eagerly rush home from work or lurk around the corner waiting for time to pass, are you frequently looking out of the window waiting for your loved one to come home or watching the clock with trepidation.
Understandably, when we argue with someone all of the negative thoughts come out and if the row is likely to escalate into shouting, anger even violence or degenerate into silence and sulking then of course we are dreading that time. But what if it is everyday, that sinking feeling, not wanting to face the reality because the outcome is just too scary.
The last thing you may want to do is start a conversation when it may end in a worse scenario, be it with a family member, partner, child or parent, however there are ways of starting and maintaining a conversation without this, if you are prepared to take control and rise above it.
To get to the one thing you feel is the problem, you need to sit alone first and write two lists the things that really upset you and the things that you really like or liked about your relationship. If you start off by writing the word ‘ everything’ then it will be difficult to reach a resolve, so start with when you feel things started to deteriorate, if you are talking about a teenager, then usually there is a specific time of change, puberty, members of the opposite or same sex, school changes and friend changes, divorce.
Do not discuss the list with anyone because they will give you the view from the outside looking in, if you need confirmation of your list then it would be because you haven’t been honest with yourself.
Take one thing from each list, the biggest issue and the nicest thing, because to reach resolve it must not be accusing and all negativity. Do not riase your voice or be defensive. If the other person does not want to talk agree when you will and do not mention it again until them, do allow yourself to mull over your question and the best way to phrase it. It is important not to be drawn into an arguement but it is equally important not to avoid saying what is on your mind. Calm steady voices are the first step, practice alone if it will help you.
Begin the conversation by asking the other person what would make them happy, it is of course important not to feel defensive, because reaching resolve has to include being prepared to make changes even if they may not at that time feel as if they are changes you want to make. Try to put yourself in the other persons position to find out how you would feel. This is your first stepping stone to resolve.
